Green Shoots: Kill them with kindness

I need a rich benefactor that will allow me to travel in business class. I may be getting old and cranky, but the seat space in economy class airplanes is getting smaller and smaller. It could cause serious social upheaval.

So because of this, I try to be considerate when lowering my seat back into the reclining position. On a recent overnight trip, I turned and saw the woman behind me head down on the tray table, blanket over her head, and trying to fall asleep. My leaning back would have abruptly ended that project, so I gently tapped her shoulder to warn her of my impending interruption. She wasn’t happy, and through red-rimmed eyes complained of her sinuses that don’t allow her to sleep leaning backwards. Before I could be kind and offer her an anti-histamine, she covered her head again to mark the end of our exchange.

Her protest at being stuffed into the cylindrical sardine can that is economy class continued, however, and she actively made sure to knock my seat each time she shifted to find her best sleeping position. Again I gently tapped her blanketed form to ask her to desist, and unleashed a tirade about how little room there was. As gently as I could, I reminded her that we are all in the same sardine can, I didn’t design the aeroplane, and she really ought to stop kicking my seat. Of course by now any chance of her getting my anti-histamine was out the window.

I like to believe I am a kind person. A member of our workshop group was from Brazil, a dynamic and colourful young woman on her first trip outside her country of birth. Among the colonial languages on offer as a lingua franca for our diverse gathering, Portuguese was the only one she could speak. So

I was asked to get to the airport a whole lot earlier than I needed to be so that she had some support in checking in. English being my only language, I was not sure what help I could be, but sometimes solidarity is just about being present with someone. The event organisers appreciated my willingness to go extra early and told me I was very kind.

The sinusy woman on the plane got me thinking about kindness. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Researchers have described different types of kindness and the motivations behind their expression. I latched onto the words of a clinician called Brantley who writes of his encounters with Eastern and Western traditions, and makes the case that kindness

toward others and toward oneself are very connected. For many people, he says, especially those who tend to beat themselves up about things, the hardest person to be kind to is yourself. By cultivating a kindness practice directed outwardly toward others, you can eventually be kinder inwardly too. And of course, this has well documented health benefits. How incredible is it that being kind to others allows you to be kind to yourself (admit it – who doesn’t want kindness in their lives?). And how amazing would it be to have more kindness in our engagements with the world? It has to be good for our immediate family relations, local communities, and ultimately the world. Surely?

There’s a catch though. You have to be kind to the woman kicking your seat as well, no matter how irritated you are. I’ve started practicing being kind as a conscious state of being. I overtook a real slow poke in the traffic the other day, and when I saw it was a branded car I hooted my irritation.

The young woman I hadn’t seen behind the wheel was clearly inexperienced and held up an apologetic hand. I immediately regretted my impatience. It was unkind. You have to be kind whether you like the person or not, and definitely not to get plaudits or reward. Kindness cannot be conditional. But I promise you, if you act with kindness to others, you will feel better. And that is a pretty good reason to do it. It’s also the right thing to do, but you already knew that. And as Eddy Grant says: ll kill’em with kindness, Might stop the blindness.