Why you should talk to your children about sex and consent from a young age

This week is Child Protection Week in South Africa. I heard an interview with a Child Protection advocate about the sexualization of children and how they have observed children as young as 4 or 5 acting out sexual acts with dire consequences. She alleges that these children have already been exposed to pornography, and because there is no education and no context. The children are acting out what they see. Another expert in the field stated that most young boys have been exposed to pornography by the age of eight and virtually every boy and girl has been exposed by 13.

I think we can thank Smartphones, Tablets and Computers for that. And yet we are still not having the conversations about sex. A couple of years ago we had a furor about teaching sex education in schools. There was this debate about how talking to children about sex would somehow immediately turn them into experimental sexual beings. All our adult fears exposed. I went out and found the syllabus being suggested and I guarantee that it was age appropriate, never encouraged experimentation and spoke about the importance of consent.

The statistics for this year are already astounding when it comes to teenage pregnancies and we are still not prepared to do anything about it. Speaking to children about sex and consent from a young age can empower them, foster emotional intelligence and self-regulation, and protect them from potential predators.

As you will know from reading this column, I am an advocate for talking to your children about sex from the minute they are born (okay maybe wait a year or two), but don’t make it a thing. Call the genitals by their proper names unless you’re calling your fingers – feely wheelies.

It is a penis, testicles, breasts, vulva, vagina, clitoris, not the hundreds of inappropriate and cute names they have been given. Go ahead, say them aloud and get comfortable with them until they roll off the tongue, like nose, mouth, eyes and tongue. They are simply a body part. According to the American Academy of Paediatrics, teaching children the correct names for their body parts and what types of touch are appropriate and inappropriate can help them recognize and report abuse if it happens.

In an age where children are exposed to information — and misinformation — at the tap of a screen, early conversations about sex and consent are more important than ever. Research consistently shows that early, age-appropriate conversations about sex, boundaries, and consent are key protective factors in a child’s development and safety.

Knowledge is Protection

Children who understand their bodies, appropriate boundaries, and the meaning of consent are significantly less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Predators often rely on secrecy and confusion. When a child has been taught that no one should touch their private parts without permission, and that secrets about the body should never be kept, they are more likely to speak out if something happens.  The National Sexual Violence Resource Centre highlights that open communication in families reduces the risk of abuse because children are more likely to report inappropriate behaviour when they feel safe and informed.

Consent is More Than Just “No Means No”

Teaching children about consent from a young age helps them understand that their body belongs to them — and the same goes for others. Consent isn’t just about sex; it’s about respecting boundaries, reading social cues, and understanding that everyone has the right to decide what happens to their body. This starts with simple lessons: asking before hugging someone, respecting a peer’s “no,” or letting them decide who can tickle or touch them during play. When these small lessons are repeated consistently, they build a foundation for more complex conversations about sexual boundaries later in adolescence. Dr. Nadine Thornhill, a sex educator and advocate for age-appropriate sex education, emphasizes that, “Consent is not a single conversation — it’s a skill set that must be taught and reinforced throughout childhood.”

Early Education Delays Risky Behaviour

Contrary to the myth that teaching children about sex makes them curious and promiscuous, research shows the opposite. A comprehensive review published in the journal Pediatrics (2016) found that children who receive age-appropriate sex education are more likely to delay sexual activity, have fewer sexual partners, and are more likely to use contraception when they do become sexually active. I can attest to this from personal experience. Early conversations normalize the topic, reduce shame, and help children feel empowered to make informed, respectful decisions. They are less likely to rely on peers or the internet for guidance, where misinformation and harmful stereotypes are rampant.

Building Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation

Sex and consent are intrinsically linked to emotional regulation and self-awareness. When we teach children to name their feelings, understand their bodily responses, and recognize their own boundaries, we are helping them build a foundation of emotional intelligence. This, in turn, supports self-regulation — the ability to manage impulses and respect others’ boundaries. For example, a child who understands they can say “I don’t want to be tickled right now” is learning not only about consent but also about emotional autonomy. Similarly, a child who learns that a friend doesn’t want to play a certain game and accepts it gracefully is practicing both empathy and boundary recognition. 
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, writes, “Emotional self-regulation is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Teaching children to listen to their feelings, express them appropriately, and respect the feelings of others paves the way for consensual interactions later in life.”

Combatting Harmful Media and Gender Stereotypes 

Children are exposed to distorted portrayals of sex, power, and relationships through media — often well before they’re developmentally prepared to process them. Pornography, music videos, video games, and social media can present confusing or unrealistic depictions of consent and intimacy. By engaging in early, open dialogue, parents and caregivers can offer context and help children critically analyse the messages they receive. Teaching kids to challenge harmful stereotypes — like “boys are always up for sex” or “girls must be modest to be respected” helps dismantle myths that contribute to toxic gender norms and unhealthy relationships. The UNESCO International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education supports this, noting that “Comprehensive sexuality education contributes to gender equality by helping young people critically examine gender roles and challenge inequalities.”

Creating a Culture of Openness

One of the most powerful benefits of early communication is the creation of a family culture that values honesty, safety, and respect. When children grow up knowing they can talk to their parents about anything — including confusing feelings, peer pressure, or uncomfortable experiences — they’re more likely to turn to them during adolescence and beyond. This also includes being honest about the uncomfortable parts of parenting. It’s okay to feel awkward or unsure. The key is to start small and keep the conversation going. Reading books together, using teachable moments (like a scene in a movie or a situation at school), and regularly checking in on their feelings and friendships can all help normalize these topics.

Practical Tips for Parents and Caregivers

Use real words: Teach children to use correct anatomical terms like penis, vulva, and vagina. It reduces shame and helps with clear communication. 
Teach about boundaries: Make it a family norm that everyone gets to choose who touches them and how. 
Model consent: Ask your child for permission before tickling or hugging. Respect their “no” and praise them for expressing boundaries. 
Start early, go slow: You don’t need to cover everything at once. Let your child’s questions guide the conversation. Keep talking: Make it an ongoing dialogue, not a one-time talk. 
Stay calm and curious: If your child shares something uncomfortable, try to remain nonjudgmental and open. That safety builds trust.

Talking to your child about sex and consent from a young age is not just about protection — though it absolutely serves that purpose. It’s about raising emotionally intelligent, respectful, and confident human beings who know their worth and understand the value of mutual respect in all relationships. In today’s complex and often confusing world, this gift of knowledge and communication might be one of the most powerful tools you can offer your child.