Communication and intimacy

WE keep getting told that the secret to a great relationship is Communication! It’s something we are notoriously bad at. Nobody teaches how to do this vital life skill.

I’ve watched my kids in the back of the car, texting each other rather than talking. Having a real conversation with anyone is becoming increasingly difficult. Little wonder then that we battle with normal communication. When it comes to intimacy – almost impossible.

This is how you get started. You first have to understand yourself. Do some self-reflection. Figure out what you want and how you’re going to say it. I’m very good at identifying what I don’t want, what I do want – not so much.

Ask yourself:

What turns me on? What makes me feel good? What am I curious about?

Knowing the answers to these questions will give you greater clarity and more importantly confidence to open up the conversation.

Timing is everything. You know this.

Find a moment when you are both relaxed and comfortable. Don’t be rushing anywhere. Date night or over a good meal. Don’t do this when tensions are running high. Starting the conversation during sex is a hard no. Conversation during pillow talk should only happen when this is not a difficult conversation.

Do not criticize, you’ll just get their back up and the conversation will shut down before it begins. The easiest way is to talk about ‘I’.

Your tone is also important. It’s the difference between being honest and getting what you desire versus starting a war.

Focus on your own experiences. Things like – ‘I love it when…’ or I’d love to try …’

Be specific. I know it’s hard to ask for exactly what you want. It’s a bit like being able to say no without any explanation.

Avoid vague and broad requests. ‘I want more variety’ can mean different things to different people. Your variety and his variety are probably not the same.

I want to explore (specific fantasy, position, toy or type of play) with you. This will help your partner understand exactly what is expected and excites you. This does require you to be vulnerable.

If you are the party on the other side of this, don’t dare laugh or shame your partner. It has taken an enormous amount of courage to start this conversation. If it’s something that you think you can do then give it a try but if it truly appalls you, try to figure out why and explain your position.

If you are going to start a conversation you have to be open to feedback. Conversation, wants and desires go both ways. Once you have shared, invite your partner to do the same. Don’t be surprised if they need a little help. Have some questions prepared.

‘What turns you on?’ ‘Would you like to ….’ Be prepared to listen and make compromises.

You always move at the pace of the partner with the most hesitation. Forcing someone into a threesome is only going to alienate and create even more problems down the line. So, don’t. If the suggestion is something you do not want to do, a hard no, then say so. If it’s something you think you may be able to do, then say so and discuss the parameters of how far you think you can take it. 

A fantastic way to safeguard the play is to put a safe word in place. (I have a whole article on the use of safe words.) When you have reached the edge of your experience you can call the safe word, and the play must stop immediately. It protects you both.

Check in regularly during the play and after. ‘How did you like that?’ ‘I’d like a bit more of ….’

Or ‘A bit less of….’

This only works when you are completely honest with each other.

On the topic of honesty, I’m a firm believer in being the fearless teller of necessary truths. The keyword here is ‘necessary’.

Ask yourself if sharing this truth will destroy your partner in any way. We all just want to be loved and accepted. Nobody wants to feel like a freak. From a woman’s perspective I can tell you that even something said in jest can affect our self-esteem in ways that serve no-one.

Talking about sex is not a one-time thing. Keep the conversation going. Check in every now and then, make it a habit. This keeps your connection strong and who doesn’t want that.