While growing up I was always fascinated by the idea of magadi or lobolo negotiations. I looked forward to being Maja Ditlhogo (uncle) and heading the negotiations for my niece or nephew.

The idea of uniting two families was and is still very fascinating.

However, I did not know that lobolo, being a gift of marriage, had to be so expensive. The groom (or the groom’s family) go all out and rob banks to fulfil these “thank you” efforts.

Black people have turned this sacred practice into a business transaction. We have commercialised it a lot. It baffles me.

The reasoning behind the exorbitant price tags (for lack of a better phrase) is very unreasonable.

Firstly, it is the parents’ responsibility to raise their child well. I do not think there are parents out there who want to raise a child that is mannerless.

So if the fundamental reason for raising a well-mannered daughter is because she is going to be someone’s wife one day, then society’s standards are more messed up than I envisaged.

Secondly, it is every parent’s responsibility to ensure that they afford a good education for their child or children.

Your sending your daughter to university to become an engineer, medical professional, computer scientist, chartered accountant or lawyer should have nothing to do with the lobolo for your child.

It is your responsibility as parents to ensure that you do right by your child.

But today we take them to school and come back to say: she is a doctor therefore we want R70 000. For what?

People want to be “paid back” the money they spent on paying fees for their own daughter, who was their responsibility as their child, for giving her an education? How messed up is that? Really!

It is so sad that many couples don’t make it to being called  husband and wife because of  the frivolity of their uncles or  negotiators.

Some people can’t afford the expensive lobolo.

We have betrayed our own African tradition.

Thirdly, there will be the downside of the negotiations. In Tswana they say: “O e kgapa le namane or dinamane,” meaning someone wants to marry a woman who has children from a previous relationship.

The argument goes that they have to pay less for this bride-to-be, because she has a child already.

Nevertheless, the groom who sends these uncles or negotiators knows already about the child/children.

How do we use a child to reduce one’s marriageability? It makes no sense, at least to me.

Penultimately, then there is no measurement of the guy’s suitability for the woman he is about to marry.

If a groom can afford that R20 000 to R100 000 or more for lobolo it does not make him a befitting partner for the woman he wants to marry.

We continue with the patriarchy practices even in things that involve two grown-ups.

The woman is “punished” for having a child and the man can do as he pleases because he is… a man.

We do such injustice to our daughters and nieces, we reduce them to someone’s future wife and not as individuals in their own right.

Because if we did, we wouldn’t have this obsession to give crazy “price tags” for their lobolo.

We focus so much on money like it is everything to a marriage.

Needless to say, many start families broke, due to crazy price tags.

Ultimately, one has to answer the big question of the relevance of lobolo in the world we live in today.

I think it still plays a significant role in our society.

However, this means we should go back to basics and remember that the lobolo ceremony is about bringing two people, two families and the larger communities together.

Inasmuch as it is about the bride’s family and how they have brought up their daughter, maybe we should also look into how the man is suitable and compatible with the woman he wants to lobola.

All that we are doing now proves that philosopher, social critic and essayist Mokokoma Mokhonoana was right when he said: “Lobolo (“bride price”) is a retired broke father’s last hope to paying off his debts.”

Let us not kill our African tradition to unite families because of our self-serving and vicious ambitions.

I look forward to my first lobolo negotiations, but what I look forward to the most is the chance to restore the dignity and the pride in the ceremony that our forefathers started long ago.

I believe there is power in this spiritual and social practice called lobolo.

Let’s rethink it, and if that fails, let us abandon it.

Chabalala is the Founder of the Young Men Movement (YMM). Email;kabelo03chabalala@gmail.com; Twitter, @KabeloJay; Facebook, Kabelo Chabalala